moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede