Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You Might Also Like
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Sell your car
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.