Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
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I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good