Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.