Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
You Might Also Like
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening