Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
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GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle