Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above