Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come