[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.