I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.