DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.