ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
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Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Jupiter
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.