Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
X-tra spooky blend
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars