Where is your GOD now????
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]