My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
OH. COME. ON.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.