Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Yeah. This was me today.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
twitter is a journey