Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
my nickname in college
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Ain’t no way