My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us