Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.