I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
#dalle2
Yes
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.