me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
They’re called werewolves.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that