“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good