Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again