if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!