Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
whenever i wake up before my alarm