Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear