Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
need him
tinder is all about the long game
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously