After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes