My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
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I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
LOL!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.