My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Just say no
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Ferrari squats
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…