[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
#FunnyLife Insects
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
🙁
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I hate my earbuds.