If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig