Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*