I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
for all #parents out there
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.