Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
sistine chapel
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Never forget.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers