Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.