[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.