Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.