Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years