ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.