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No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.