start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
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Who did it better?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.