In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
o shit
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.