Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
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When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
this has to be peak English
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.