Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
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Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano