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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I鈥檝e got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I don鈥檛 have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
[Home Depot]
Me: I鈥檒l take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you鈥檙e such a transparent tool.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.