I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok