*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
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employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level