If Mr Krabs owned a bar
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.