*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”